So this just keeps going on this hypermania I have thinking that the quicksand is eventually going to pull me under. But I don't feel it strong this evening. There's a minor sense of purpose, but I often wonder why it is that experiences that I think will be incredible turn into nightmares. Looming overhead. Why do I even think that? You know that you fit in somewhere in the grand microcosm. You just don't know where... the movie Hurlybuly seems to always come to mind,- Eddie (in a cocaine induced pre-comatose state) played by Sean Penn practically baying at the moon that this universe doesn't care one speck of our lives... I don't want to lose my faith like that, she loves me, I just don't feel it. At any rate, I'm thinking that the priorities I have in line are possibly to finish this training class or whatever you want to call it. Look at a possible school. I'll do it. I'll look at that. I have to let go of the woman on Friday. It's done, and if by some act of wild providence we cross paths again, we'd know what to do. You think it's strange but occasionally there is an attraction that is returned and given back... in the end, it's search for the between. Heidegger, Husserl, Nishida, Watsuji. All those philosophers who examine that closeness between two people, the intimacy between two people you crave... You were out living life. You were trying to and that was when you went off the reservation. Maybe not the smartest of ideas looking back on it now, but you can't hold back anyway. It's killing you. The looking back is killing you. I'd like to find a working a strategy for now. Something other than ducking and hiding whenever presented with a crack in the fissure.