This is a method of discipline, it's meant that way anyway. I woke up today, I had laid out a few things for myself the night before, which seems to help. I get off track frequently in the morning. Lately, I'm too entirely obsessed with my appearance, or fear that it won't shake what I hope that it does shake. It's been twelve years since my last drink, officially. I staved it off and I'm glad I did. Why? An image matter. Sally & Bob both had birthdays today, Sally 2, Bob 13. I would have been 12. So it was an image in thinking I might have mixed with the others. Let them have the limelight, I figured. I didn't want to get my chip anyway, which is a sign of my current state of mind. I'm haunted by this whole experience of going out with someone at meetings, because now I think every move I make is telegraphed. Like this girl knows exactly what I'm thinking. Like she thinks I'm a zero and therefore, anything I say is feel of crap. My life, how wonderful. In the telescope of my own mind, my life is seemingly undesirable compared with those around me...people who 15 years ago I wouldn't desire their life worth spit. I walked into the rooms thinking I had fallen from grace because I didn't go to Syracuse University and hadn't yet published a poem in the university magazine. Never mind I'd gone completely insane a year before. Never mind that I had made an almost complete comeback from being given Thorazine to calm my nerves enough to be in therapeutic groups. It wasn't that bad but it had been bad enough.
So today was anticlimatic because I felt like I wasn't matching up. I had nowhere to turn seemingly. I stood on the porch trying to look unaffected. I am affected, instead. That's the true reality of the situation. Why it plagues me I have to look at again. I guess it's the whole thing I keep saying. I'm not living well with others. I act erratically from time to time. Like tonight, I'm afraid to look her in the face because of the rejection I felt a few weeks back. I went farther than I know I should have, trying to force a response from someone, now I just don't know what to do, so I do nothing. I smile. I act kind but really I just want to make her feel something like the hurt that I felt by just being tossed aside. This is resentment. My pride wounded. My personal relations affected. I could say that I was paying attention which I was until that pluperfect moron. started talking emotively about how he had gone out of his way to talk to someone "not like him." Hold yourself up as a fuckup and people applaud it, they talk about the way that they hate who they are because they... well, anyway, I'm sitting there and thinking this has absolutely with the topic at hand..and they are straying from an entirely viable topic. Something pertinent.
So something has crept in and stolen my paradise. You can say that you allowed it to happen. But I didn't allow myself to get affected, I just was. I was excited, and maybe wrongly so because at the time, things didn't properly make sense. But out of pride and ego, I went after something that couldn't be forced. I wanted someone to notice me, so I went after it. One of the reasons I shrug away from the social scene there is because it smacks entirely of being on the in-crowd. Christ, even Bill suffered feverishly from this particular malady, and he did not parade it as something that was a sought after virtue. Of course, it's natural to desire camraderie. It happens at practically every meeting you'll ever go to. The clique that forms. Truthfully, I probably would fall more in line with the gang on Wednesday, the real freaks, the social niggers of the lot. Not that I am, I just have always struggled with where I fit into the mix. This is a matter of feeling. A feeling of fear, a fear of being not quite what others are looking for, despite myself. An intense and innate desire to connect, and prove myself. It's as if you have to prove yourself. And I've always climbed the mountain to where I can display my ability to measure up to others standards. SO I can fit in. So I can be a proven commodity. Earn your way to the top. So this is what I find myself doing now. And because you take yourself so damn seriously, people see that. They see right into that shit and the natural inclination is, for that kind, for that arena, to just let you be. Because you're so damned use to trying to make others look your way, and if they do, seize the opportunity as a sign. So if they look your way it's a blessing, but if they don't then you are accursed. How are we ever going to survive the daily ups and downs with that mental attitude. The emotional rollercoaster of trying to please others and keep them happy with you. Of wanting to be adored at all times.
So this is what is happening now. Mostly because I simply want to keep the party going even now.