Just haven't found it very rewarding...which isn't totally true in the grand sense of how it's said. After thinking about this for a few moments I realize the selfishness of such a statement but I'm developing a bit of bitterness over the last couple weeks. It stems from the recent situation where yes, I met a woman who rocked my world. Rock n Roll Jen. And that was a lingering flash in the pan seemingly. I think she just wanted to go out. And that was it. She wanted to have a little fun and go out with a guy she knew & who was maybe safe? Enter me. Didn't help that I kind of looked at her like a rock star. I mean I know it doesn't benefit either one of us to look at it that way. But yeah, I put her on a pedestal and have for a long time because she has all the characteristics of what I like in a person and in a lot of ways the person I want to be more likke.... I mean, she's not perfect, she can't be. But at the same time, it was like maybe the green one's coming round. Because like TJ said, I'm not looking for a perfect woman, I want someone I'm attracted to, someone I feel comfortable with and ultimately, and more importantly, someone who is interesting. I worried for a good 24 -72 hours about whether I was interesting enough. Hell, I've worried about that since I don't know when... you just never feel like you're interesting enough for the rest of the world. Not for potential employers, not for your social circles, not for the women you're really interested in dating... but you keep going along as though, maybe by some mad circumstance you are going to meet someone in the right place at the right time... etc etc. People say well, why complain about them? It just hit me that actually there is no point in complaining about them... it is what it is and really, this is still about pride for me. This is still also about self-image. About how I view myself versus how I view the world. Maybe we just need reminders that it is okay to just let things roll with the punches....
For instance, it was actually good to hear John say that he was doing okay despite his recent escapade with joblessness, well, really the bedevilments, in general that he was really over it...things did change for him... he found some temporary work that was flexible and paid well, and even got to buy a new car so he could have transportation when he needed it. But he seemed to have gotten through a hurdle and decided he wasn't going to let pervading circumstances determine his present happiness. What makes him happy is hard to say. Not really my place to say but he has actually been on the down side for a long time, and I recgonized that I wasn't always the supportive friend I could have been for someone in that place.... it isn't easy I know when you're in the muck... I think I have been suffering from that old feeling like the shoe is going to drop. Really drop. We live toward distraction of that anymore I think... the fear of what's going to come or what might not come... the fear of what is possibly going to crash down around us... whether it be the ceiling coming down to the tune of thousands of dollars, the microwave exploding and starting a fire in the kitchen...