I don't know why I was pulled back there again after all thsi time.
I guess I know it's a stretch of time that in this life I will always feel attached to. The Dalai Lama has given me a lot to think about in the last couple days and in just 38 pages so it gives me cause to reflect. About attachment, about detachment and their various relationship with love and compassion. At any rate, this one is comes to me especially strong:
Waking up it was about 9 or 10 in the morning, we had been up late, making love,
cuddling, crying, comforting one another, swearing what we could and would do for one another... I felt like the Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...everything in disarray and suddenly face-to-face with destiny. Seeing that open window to leave and the other metaphorical window to stay. She looked it me with her big hazel eyes, and smiled wanly. She knew that time was up. All those letters up until that point reminding me that our time together was short. I'd fight back tears, that primal urge to rip my clothes and beat me breast as they did in old times. Going to God and begging, begging, saying if it be your will, whatever you would have me do. But I'm not Christ and this was not me dying for everyone else's sins. This was just me, human and all too earthly, deciding where my heart really wanted to be. Where my heart decides to be. Today, now, yeaterday, in a month, in a year... This was about making a decision. And my friends told me, the ones who I consider true friends saying, Even though you make a decision, there is always a decision after that. Nothing is final. Nothing has to be forever. If you decide you have made a mistake, try to correct it at once.
I stood in her living room and I was dumbstruck. I knew I loved her, she told me she loved me often times too. And I was leaving. It seemed like it would be forever that I would be gone. The tears started falling from my cheeks, I hugged her harder than I ever hugged anyone. My heart began tearing up, the burning. I looked her in the eyes and I couldn't help but say this: I'll come back, I'll be back... how could I say that? Why would I say something like that? I was preparing for only the second longest drive I had ever taken in my life...