We arrived at the Salvation Army only to see fire trucks at the entrance.
Immediately, I saw this as an intrusion upon my day, my day, finally getting a
ten year medallion, Brooke was coming with me, she would see what the meetings are
like, even if just to catch a glimpse, I would see Tom and Cindy and at last, I
would have recognition and validation for this last year, for the last 3650 days which no
one really counts but me. The deus ex machina, out of the sky to give me and
all of us a bigger picture, if we wanted to see it or not. This facility houses
several families mostly women who have brought their children to that home to
escape whatever it is that's been hounding them indefinitely for the grater part
of their lives... So there we were and it couldn't have been much more than 35
degrees and we're all having to wait outside before the meeting, gathered in the
cold, and the firemen tell us it would be best for us if we were to back away
from the building, so now we have to move away from the shelter and heat of the
building which had prior to that protected us... and then, Tom and Cindy began
to notice that there were small children, babies, with their mothers. Wrapped up
in blankets and swaddling clothes, tiny babies in the 35 degree weather where you
could see your breath...and we watched while mothers turned on their cars and the
heaters in the cars for warmth... something to keep their children warm with and
Thomas notes that there are no doubt some among this group who would have no
place to live if it weren't for that place... the plot thickens, awareness
grows stronger, more intense in the there and the now... and you begin to see
again that there is more to all this than what we are looking at... we don't have
enough eyes in our head...but he sprung into the desire for more action, thinking
maybe I'll bring MY car around here and turn it on because then we could fit more
into our car and then there would be more warm children...This is how I'm just beginning to think but I'm not entirely there. I've been
trained pretty well, trained mostly just to think and perceive beyond the two
feet in front of me. Instead, to try to read the text that surrounds me.
Sometimes, because my mind has warped areas, I misinterpret the text, the
telling clues. I can't help that, simply that my perception is awkwardly fouled
up at times, and often times. Sometimes, I'm dead on but where there concerns
other people and what they are thinking or their emotions, I seem to jump to
faulty conclusions at times. But maybe I'm getting better at it now only for the
simple fact that I am not letting a few hasty judgements get me down. I mean
what it is it besides a judgement... so you're wrong, big deal, just keep at it
like archery. You may not nail the bullseye but the attempt and aim make the
sport worthwhile after all.Tom reminded me of the spiritual experiences of the burning bush/white light kind
which I believe I personally had a result of meditation. They were undeniable
experience but there is a prideful side to these experiences that can be
extremely misleading. Namely, there is a limit, I believe to their frequency as
they are revealed to any one particular person and as a result, the intensity
with which a person is allowed to experience them decreases, as does the
frequency. So you are left with the residue which understandably the divine
power which grants such experiences intends for you to carry around with you for
sometimes prolonged, extended periods of time... in other words, I may never
experience a spiritual experience like that with power and grace like that
conceivably for the rest of my life. I happen to think that that is doubtful
but that exact assuredness might be the very facet of my character which will not
allow me to replicate a similar experience...who's to say that God will continue
to bless any one person with intense powers of emotion and the ability to
distinguish beauty in nature only on the sole basis that that person tries
heartily to do his work well, tries to live well... it isn't a guarantee at all,
not in the slightest, but a greater blessing I don't think has ever been offered
me... Would you indeed have to be subject to some of the most acute moments of
humiliation before you could expect to have the utmost gratitude and humility in
life? I think perhaps that is true. A man we know talks about the importance of
desperation in the role of cultivating the needed gratitude to transform one;s
life. Desperation being a key ingredient for the willing. Without it, one never
really can amount to much humility. And the same could be said of their
willingness... Cindy said something about the importance of giving up control,
in the effort to teach yourself the difference between the happiness which is
wrought from pursuing happiness over rightness. The significance of not needing
to be right today... just to settle on that's right. I see your point. You
know you have an interesting way of looking at that. I had neevr thought of it
that way before. One of the older guys I know, a guy whose been around the
solution for much longer than me was referring to the hills we will die on.
Nobody needs to die today. You just sit down and rest on the hill, all the
others climbing so hard upon it can just have their day in the sun. You rest
and feel the sunlight of a spirit wash all over you... let others beat you to the
top. It's the journey anyway, right?I thought of the image of me walking through the forest and enjoying it but
getting caught up on so many side treks....distract by so much in the foliage and
just so quickly, I find myself lost in hideous woods... As a result, my newest
goal is to try to stay on the path as much as possible, just hang in there with
the path, let my mind wander but not react, just stay on the path for now, as
it were and see where it leads. I haven't been lead to far astray, and have met
many wonderful teachers along the way who have made it easier to do this kind of
thing... who make the time go by so much more wonderfully, smoothly... Like Brooke likes to tell me I have a roof over my head, there is food in our
fridge, we have a warm bed to sleep at night, we have more than we need, more
than we need. Jake, the dog sleeping on the floor in his blanket, books on
the shelf to inspire us, movies to watch to remind us of where we've been, where
we are where we might like to go to... music to make us laugh, cry, shake our
asses if we like... we have more than we need, plenty of what we need.