The nature of friendship for me throughout the years has been flimsy at best.
I believe in an open door policy; that much I know.
I can always push people out the door if I choose and lock it throw away the key.
But historically, I've seldom done that, because you never know when you're going to be on the other side of the fence.
But even more than that it's because my most formidable enemies have proven to be my strongest friends.
Guys who I thought were the biggest asses turned out to be some of my greatest teachers. Unfortunately, some of them turned out proving to be assholes nonetheless.
At least, in my book, as far as the running tally goes.
But believe me, the door isn't closed , not in the least,
and maybe I feel like I've got some growing up to do outside of those
individuals.
Like I really just need that time away and likely vice versa.
It has been a crooked road though, not well-paved, and difficult to understand.
My greatest weakness seems to be that I don't keep in touch very well.
I let the lines dangle sometimes.
The list of names are seemingly endless, and yet, I don't remember where the cause of the break ceased being that I had nothing left to offer or that I screwed people over.
I think where that is concerned, the percentages just slowly decreased.
The nature of friendship stopped being about who was the coolest and wildest to hang out with... who knew the most arcane and far gone places to visit.

Somewhere along the line, it stopped being an outward thing. I could care less
today as to what kind of clothes a person wears or what kind of music they listen
to or whether they even pay attention to their own taste. Taste will always be
just that: taste. Opinions are like assholes, and there are a lot of them in
the world. I mean sure, there is this lingering attention I have to aesthetics
but as time goes on, I find myself fascinated by the people who have different
tastes in aesthetics, or who just allow themselves to stray because it keeps
everything fresh. You never used to see me wear yellow or green or even orange
at one time. But now I'm drawn to that. Or maybe I've started feeding myself a
different dialogue. Or maybe I want to belive a different dialogue so I just try
new things and hope I can learn to like something just for its newness.
There is something to be said for friends in this same fashion. In order to have
a friend anywhere, you have to be a friend. And I've found that to be the most
successful route. And now there are people whose company I crave and I start to
read them and see what would appeal to them, how to best approach them with the
kindness they seem to want. That sounds sort of like people pleasing, doesn't
it? Hmmm... is there a way around that? Is there a way around simple flattery?
I;ll bet there is a study somewhere-- and I'll look for it soem other time if I
feel I have more time to burn.--that would actually prove the value of flattery
in trying to make friends. Most people-- and this is something my mother always
pointed out to me when I bewailed my sorry state as limited in the friendship
category-- like it when you ask questions about them, to get them talking about
themselves. I've found that to be amply true in a lot of different
circumstances, especially when I've had that golden bit of information about a
person that allows me to get them to open up completely. That incredible moment
when you've just struck the note taht gives them free reign to talk about the
very thing that they love to talk about. Personally, I love talking about
baseball, literature or music and food. I feel like these are categories that
were I to thoroughly trust the other individual to not cut me short or stray from
the given topic, I would likely find myself going on and on all day with that
person except if one of us had another pressing engagement. Movies as well. I
love that linbe in True Romance when Christian Slater says that he always goes to
see a movie on his birthday because I identify with that kind of ritualistic
mentality.

Certainly, I would have easily connected with a guy like Clarence Worley if we
were to meet at some random location like a video store or in line at a movie
theater. My friend Jason and I sit outside the cafes downtown drinking coffee
and go through list after list of movies we have enjoyed over the years... It's
all about scenework, what was hilarious, grotesque, incredible about something
one character did to another. My girlfriend Brooke and I quote lines together, I
often find myself remembering that I've heard the line somewhere but cannot
remember where I've heard it. She calmly reminds me of not only the line itself
but the context in which it was uttered. To us, it seems movies are kind of like
offshoot occurrences of reality.

My friend John and I regardless of the month or season of the year continue to
discuss both news and issues as they relate to the world of baseball... it is a
disjointed conversation at times because he likes to rattle off interesting
information about the Cubs while I am myself a Yankee fan. But the strength of
our friendship has been our ability to poke fun at each other's teams misfortunes
and our ability to watch out for the sucess of the other's teams. I pay
attention to what Chicago is doing and think of how it affects him. My ears perk
up for news about the goings on in Chicago. Likewise, he listen in when he
hears news about New York, We see each other every Tuesday night and compare
notes. My father has been the same way for years now. He still reads the World
Herald and checks out high school football scores. I went to Prep, my sister to
Millard North and he knows how each team's football program did this year much
more than I ever did. He checks out all the scores and highlights and gives me
updates every time I talk to him. If there's one thing I've missed for years,
it's been the little post-it notes of Yankee scores he left me on the kitchen
counter in the morning. He did that for so many years it still amazes me, his
little vigil to me, even in times when I didn't have my shit together. Now I'm
pretty much on top of it, and we can have an ongoing dialogue about "the other
night" or "that game against Toronto". I love that. It allows me to feel
closer and closer to him every year. It's prolonged evidence that the burning
bush doesn't always come down in the form of a burning bush.
Friends are a blessing and maybe it was sometime after I realized that people
people our life for particular reasons that I began to really pay attention to
the people around me. To really listen to what they were saying even if it was
moaning and groaning. If you're going to care about someone, then there has to
be some kind of commitment to whatever need they have. At least that's what
I'm finding out. Slowly. That friendship isn't all about grabbing the
coattails and hanging on to the good times. Sometimes there has to be a certain
amount of descending into the darkness even if just for a little while. Going
into those dark places with people that they have found, that are evidence of
themselves. Not all of us are strong as oak trees with backs that will never
split. Some of us can be disappointed in one another. We bruise easily. I say
all of this as an appropiated victim. A victim of my own insecurities and
quirkiness and reluctance to change, to offer anything other than what I have
learned how to give. Sometimes I'm guilty of holding back. It's not what I
want in the future. Hell, it's not what I want today, but sometimes it's just
where I'm positioned, it's how it all comes out despite my best efforts.
Sometimes I'm half-assed. My friends know that about me, and friends that want
to get to me better usually have to learn and be surprised by my seeming
buffoonry. I don't aim at eloquence. I don't aim at greatness, if I even embody
these traits for stolen moments in any given day I imagine it's something short
of a miracle. But I can only hope it's not because I'm not trying. It's
because I have skin, teeth, blood, a brain, wired funny, mixed wrong, like a
salad with all the wrong dressing, a meal mismatched with the wine. I'm still
trying things out, still finding stuff that doesn't work, still mistakenly
throwing away stuff that does. I wonder sometimes, how much time is it going to
take to learn? Will my time run out? Et cetera. Unfortunately, as good as
friends are, sometimes it's only something bigger that will give me any
serenity, any lasting peace on these matters... it's up to Him to decide.