Taking Stock at 12:42 AM. All my life I feel I've been tossed by the winds. It's not to say that the winds themselves have been doing the tossing, but in fact, you have control over what you put in your mind.. Over the information you can discard, in what you keep. It's no use beating myself up for what I've done. One of my heroes in the baseball world, Alex Rodriguez, was a guy who seemed to torment himself time & time again over the fact that he could hit home runs like nobody's business, set records right and left for players his age at his time, yet he couldn't win a championship, and couldn't come up with the clutch play or hit when the time mattered. You may think it a mundane example but at some point, those things that hound you, you need to stop listening to them. Just put them down and walk straight somehow. Too much has been made for me by the fact that I seem to be between planes. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm stuck am on a branch like I feel I am. Like the cartoon character who has someone stepping on his shirt and he's trying to run away or run after something, and he's swishing and falling over his feet.
To say I no longer want to live that way would be nothing but me being impervious to the truth that I know that I may continue in that fashion.

What do I really take seriously? What little property I have, a search for the ideal companion, the fitting job where you make a difference, comraderie, an exchange of ideas. All seemingly intangible things, when they are not in your grasp. In short I'm on the verge of a great discovery or else, another complete and utter breakdown. Going at life hard while chewing on an improbable bullet will do that to you. People tell me to calm down, to relax, just deal with where you are at, but sometimes where you are at is simply unbearable, unacceptable for what it is. I just want to get out, to be free of keeping one foot hovering over the break in case of the dreaded accident. Playing it safe, being calculated about the whole ordeal. So what happened today cannot be reduced to nothing. I made searches, queries, into starting a life somewhere else, made inquiries about what is possible in the immediate future. It's difficult to do without money in my pocket, but it was something I had to do nevertheless. I looked at teaching jons in other states. Weighed the options. I want to get out of Nebraska so badly I'm popping at the seams. That is a fact. Another winter, forget winter. Hope for spring. Be glad with spring.